No news to any woman on this fashion-wired planet but oh my gawd pantyhose are just the stupidest thing since gallbladders. (I haven't had my gallbladder since 1987 and haven't missed it one iota. What the heck is it there for anyway? A space filler? Like the Great Creator had a hole where the liver and onions were sliding into and so invented an organ in which to store stones from the heavenly driveway? Why doesn't he just get it paved? So much easier to plow in the wintertime. And why the feck did he invent winter anyway? Fecking winter. Fecking gallbladders.)
Where was I? Oh yeah. Fecking pantyhose.
I was at a funeral yesterday – I know. You're all sad now. Don't be. It was a fabulous funeral. One of the nicest I've been to. If you have to go on and die, which I don't recommend, you might as well have a fabulous funeral. With great guest speakers and terrific music and photos that make you smile and cry all at the same time. Not to mention those fancy funeral sandwiches. (By the way, I'll really miss you, Bill. Hugs.)
But where was I again? Oh yeah. Fecking pantyhose. Why, why, WHY are these things so STUPID? The ones in my lingerie drawer (not the dildo drawer from yesterday, in case you were thinking that, which you totally were, don't deny it) were like Goldilocks pantyhose: they were either too baggy, making my ankles look like a shar-pei; or they were so tight that I couldn't get the crotch up past my knees. Stupid control top pantyhose. They're like wrestling a freaking BEAR. Can anyone get them on? Anyone? (Sounding just now like Ferris Bueller's teacher.) I swear to gawd they were designed to fit your ARMS, not your legs.
So I went through three fits of blue angst trying to get them on yesterday, finally winding up in such a sweaty state of mess that I needed another shower and had to start all over again. Needed one, but didn't take one, because by this point I was resigned to to never taking off the stupid control top pantyhose ever again. Ever. Even to go to the bathroom. Which I immediately had to do. Like, seriously? How old am I? Don't I tell my own children to go pee before they put on their snowsuits? And aren't pantyhose just like snowsuits only they're transparent and don't keep you warm and are just actually the stupidest things since gallbladders?
And yeah, when I was pulling them back up I put my fecking fingernail through 'em and caused a big fecking hole. Big enough to drive a gallbladder through.
Sigh.
I'm learning, I really am. I put my coffee way over on the other end of the desk so that I wouldn't accidentally take a mouthful and end up spitting it all over the keyboard. Good thing I did.
ReplyDelete"making my ankles look like a shar-pei" - Bwahahahahahahaha!
heheheheheheh - I love making you laugh.... totally makes my day!
Deleteha haa Cathy you have sent me to bed laughing, so funny, girl you're a gem! ^__^
ReplyDeleteAn expensive gem, perhaps? :)
Deletepantyhose HAD to be invented by men as yet another form of torture
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure the Marquis de Sade had something to do with it... old pervert.
DeleteHad to be a man that invented them yes? I can just hear his wife, "Really Ron...really...seriously?"
ReplyDeleteA girl at my work read your comment today, Delores, and she laughed out loud. "Your comments are so funny," she said. "Listen to this one..." And she read yours! Thought you should know! :)
DeleteHa ha, I think I like you! What a fun post this is. I'm going to bed smiling from ear to ear. Thanks for visiting me earlier on. Have a great day.
ReplyDeleteYou are SO welcome! Good night! Sweet dreams!
DeleteAnd all this time I thought it was just me, seriously. Thank God I never have to wear them any longer since I stick to pants or very long skirts. :)
ReplyDeleteSee? I knew you were smart, Rubye. I just didn't realize you were THAT smart.
DeleteI avoid pantyhose and therefore dresses like the plague. I would rather have the plague. Maybe I'd lose some weight. Ever try Spanx? hahaha they are double control top! but they have a slit to pee through which is a fun experience all its own. I where nice dress pants to funerals. Highly recommended.
ReplyDeleteAnd, YOU, Jeannie - we talked about you at my writers group tonight. My one friend, Paula, laughed her head off at your comment. None of us realized there was a hole in the Spanx to pee through! ROFL!!!!!!
DeleteAgain you have me laughing into my coffee cup ;-) Thanks for the rant and the smile!
ReplyDeleteYou are SO welcome, KatieO - by the way, when my name was just plain Cathy Olliffe, I always signed all correspondence, "CathyO." Coincidence???? I think not!
DeleteOne word for you, Cathy. Pants. Works every time. :D
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I am actually a big fan of skirts and dresses. I wear them all summer long - but I almost never wear pantyhose - only for those really special dress-up occasions like weddings and funerals! There was a time, a long while ago, when I worked in the city and HAD to wear a dress and pantyhose every day of the week. I actually got used to it... hard to believe now!
DeleteROFL - I've had to go out in a pair of pantyhose that stopped around my knees. Laughing even harder at Jeannie's comment above - a slit to pee through!!!
ReplyDeleteI KNOW! That Jeannie's HILARIOUS!
DeleteFunny! That's why I never wear them. I think if I'm going to die, I want a fun funeral. However, I'm kinda partial to my gall bladder. It's keeping all my organs from falling out.
ReplyDeleteAnd, Clarissa - you're my witness to this: when I die I do NOT want my corpse wearing pantyhose. Slit or no slit.
DeleteI never did understand them. The only time you ever notice them is when they DO have runs in them! :)
ReplyDeleteDL Hammons @ Cruising Altitude 2.0
Co-Host of the Blogging from A to Z Challenge.
In some circles it's a fashion statement.... believe it or not.
DeleteI'm not sure I have ever been sent into such a fit of giggles like I was after reading this post! You, Cathy, crack me up:) And yes, panty hose are totally stupid...but they do stop my butt from jiggling (is that even spelled right?) in a skirt:)
ReplyDeleteWell yes, there is the whole butt-jiggling factor. And I think it's spelled right... butt jigging is a whole different thing.
DeleteFunerals always suck, but I've been to some that sucked less.
ReplyDeleteMy wife claims a man designed pantyhose. She hates it so much she doesn't wear it. (And I don't mind one bit!)
The only good thing about pantyhose is it blurs varicose veins and unshaven legs. Also bruises, callouses, pimples and thieves holding up variety stores. I have also used pantyhose to filter linty crap out of the washing machine. When it was full it resembled sausage. Come to think of it, that's exactly how my legs look. Like shiny sausage.
DeleteIs there anyway we can put together a squad of women, locate a Tardis, find this "pantyhose" inventor, then shake the living daylights out of them until the idea of "pantyhose" dribbles from their mind in the form of earwax? I think that would be a very good idea indeed. Because I still have no clue WHY we wear pantyhose. And as someone mentioned in an earlier comment, no one notices the nude ones until the rip you tried to stop with clear fingernail polish decides to run clear down your leg.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Angela - GREAT comment! "dribbles from their mind in the form of earwax..." HILARIOUS!
DeleteYou realize, of course, that I had to look Tardis up in the dictionary....
DeleteCathy, I loved this post. You had me from the first line.
ReplyDeleteI've ceded all my nylons to the Royal Family. They have to wear them now. And Kate looks fab in everything.
Gallbladders! Gah!
Yup. Kate would like nice with a gallbladder on her head.
DeleteIsn't it much easier to say goodbye to a really good person? And they always have a great send off.
ReplyDeleteI stopped wearing pantyhose in 1988. Went to thigh-high stockings which have the added bonus that if one gets a run you still have one! And there's no trouble peeing! Ya know those grunts and groans you hear in the womens room stalls? Hate that!
I've never thought about the first part of your comment before, Austan, but I do think you're right in many, many ways. (And yah, hate those grunts too because usually they're coming from ME!)
DeleteI grew up in the nylon stocking age, complete with the guarder belts, with little hooks and buttons. And when the little buttons broke, pennies were substituted. Even though I rarely wear pantihose anymore, they were a blessing from above at the time.
ReplyDeleteLoved the post.
Kathy at Oak Lawn Images
Oh you're right, Kathy - pantyhose are a zillion times better than nylon stockings and garters (although perhaps not as sexy!!!)
DeleteI think pantyhose may be the final straw that led me to give up wearing a skirt or dress ever again. That bad, just as you say. Isn't there a movie, maybe with Diane Keaton, where she is jumping up and down to get in to her pantyhose? Why should anyone else have any better luck, I ask you? Kneesocks, anyone?
ReplyDeleteKneesocks rule Susan!!!!!!!!
DeleteI remember that scene with Diane Keaton but can't think of what movie it's from...tried Googling it for a few minutes but found only, ahem, rude stuff... Google.. Diane Keaton putting on pantyhose... you get the idea... So no go.
DeleteAnd have you ever tried to manage panty hose and the kind of Spanx that snap underneath. Don't.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from the A to Z Challenge.
Reminds me of those one-piece shirts from the 80s with the snaps at the crotch. I can't even tell you how many times I was, um, pinched in all the wrong places.
DeleteToo funny! I'm with Laura Eno - pants. Definitely pants. Or live where it's warm and just be bare-legged and wear sandals all the time - like me. :)
ReplyDeleteHappy A-Z!
Rub it in, Madline, rub it in! Actually, we usually wear ski-doo boots all year long. I have special ski-doo boots for funerals and weddings. They have glitter and a 1/4" heel.
DeleteUgh, I loathe pantyhose! I don't think I've ever had a pair that lasted longer than 5 hours on me...I also can't seem to find any that are not obnoxiously shiny and make my legs look like stumpy sausages. Not usually the look I'm going for.
ReplyDeleteI'm also doing the A-Z challenge!
http://trifleslifles.blogspot.de/
STUMPY SAUSAUGES! BUAHAHAHAHAHA! (Why do I have a sudden craving for pizza????)
DeleteHa! One of the best posts I've read in quite a while. I swear pantyhose were invented as some kind of torture device!
ReplyDeleteI dunno... they sound downright comfy next to those Spanxy things everyone's talking about...
DeleteAnd thanks so much for the lovely compliment!!! Hugs!
I'm glad they don't make pantyhose for cats. I don't even know how to wear underwears!
ReplyDelete(When I die I want to be reincarnated as you.)
DeleteI actually like wearing black pantyhose (please don't hurt me), but I agree: they are a pain in the behind to put on and sport fabulously. :P
ReplyDelete-Barb the French Bean
If I have to wear pantyhose I often pick black. It's so slimming! And really hides those pesky blue veins and hairy bits.
DeleteCathy, be sure to drop by tomorrow for F....
ReplyDeleteI'm so FECKING excited!!!!
Delete:)
You know, I don't think I've worn panty hose in 9 years.
ReplyDeleteNot even on my wedding day or my ex-husband's funeral.
For exactly the same reasons you listed above.
Awwww.... there is a sad story in that comment, Juli, I can tell.
DeleteOn a happier note, I can say I started my wedding day with pantyhose but kicked them off as soon as the photographer left.
I am so glad I read this. It was fecking great. I remember when they
ReplyDeleteinvented panty hose! We used to wear stockings! I am 60. We wore them with garter belts and they weren't in the least sexy. Nothing was sexy until 1969. Take my word for it.
You couldn't pee through your garter belt either. I don't think.Oh darn, now my long term memory is going on me too?
have a good night, I still think you are incredibly funny. jean
NO WAY YOU'RE 60, JEAN. NO WAY!!!!!
DeleteSorry. For a Bear, and a male Bear to boot, this doesn't compute at all. But obviously it has been of great concern to you. I just never understand this Human thing about fashion.
ReplyDeleteFuneral. Grave undertaking of a sort. Important time.
Not to mentions bears look terrible in pantyhose. I've seen them at the dump in their Spice and their Nude and it just ain't pretty.
DeleteOH. MY. GOSH. I am so happy to have found your blog from the AtoZ Challenge!!! This is stinking halarious!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are so funny.
I look forward to returning often to read your posts. Thanks for making me laugh out loud this morning!!
Margo, you are SO enthusiastic! I think I love you already!!! Thank YOU for your wonderful comment and I will definitely be along to visit with you! :)
DeleteYou are hilarious! I will be back to visit! Thanks for visiting me at my blog!
ReplyDelete