Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A to Z Honesty - P is for pooch licking





We have a tall table and chairs. Like bar chairs. I don't know whose stupid idea it was to get tall chairs. (Mine.) But they're so tall that my feet don't touch the ground. They dangle, like they're trolling, like they're fat white worms waiting for something to come by and LICK them.

My dog (OK, my POOCH - that's my P word, OK, are you satisfied Laura Eno???? sheesh... :), who is about six inches tall and is the breed known as Lickemus Anythingus, licks my toes every chance she gets. Like, right now, I just became aware that my big toe is wet.

Which freaks me out. Is it wet because she sashayed by when I wasn't paying attention (blogging) and did a drive-by licking? Or did I step in cat barf on the way to the coffee pot and am only noticing it now because the dog was licking off the cat barf?

I can't look because my toes are too far away. Stupid bar chairs. I certainly can't lift my foot that high for closer inspection. My only recourse is to reach down, blindly, and feel my big wet toe with my bare dry fingers.

What if it really is cat barf? Worse, what if it's a pooch turd? What if it's moldering dead mouse guts, or a squished chipmunk? Did I tell you I once found a chipmunk head in my bedroom and the disemboweled body in the living room? Speaking of chipmunks, a couple of years ago one drowned in our rain barrel. Nobody noticed it for two weeks. It was swollen up the size of a football. I went to get some water for my garden, saw that and to this day I can't go near a rain barrel without hearing the theme from Psycho, that reet-reet sound when the knife plunges into Janet Leigh through the shower curtain.

41 comments:

  1. Chipmunk head in your bedroom? Has your cat been watching the Godfather?

    I think I'd be very disconcerted if my dog insisted on tasting me all the time...

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    1. Yep. He tried for a horse head but he couldn't quite get his chompers around its neck. Poor horse - now it's walking around with sabre-housecat marks around its neck like a bloodied yoke.

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  2. I think the licking is revenge for the tutu!

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    1. But she LOVES her tutu! And it's PINK, her favourite colour. Seriously!

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  3. Yes, I'm happy now... :D

    I have two Lickemus Anthingus hanging around my house...and very clean toes...all the time...whether I want them or not.

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  4. Our dog is a big licker, and yes, she loves feet.

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  5. My girls have those silly high chairs too. I feel like I'm at a bar on them. I guess they're 'fashionable', for now. My legs dangle on them and if I had a licking dog, he'd probably do the same.
    Great post for P. Visiting on the A to Z Challenge

    Kathy at Oak Lawn Images

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    1. Except that, if you were at a REAL bar you could order a Manhattan. Or a Bloody Caesar. And the only toe-lickers are the drunks who have fallen down.

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  6. I have trouble getting my feet on the floor when I sit on normal height chairs. Those bars chairs are no good for someone with a fear of heights.

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    1. Conquer your fears Doris! You can DOOOOO it!

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  7. Why oh why did I just stuff a piece of banana in my mouth!? Note to self: Don't eat before reading post by Cathy! ;) My dog, nay pooch, doesn't lick my feet. Perhaps because I try to step in dog poop whenever possible.

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    1. You must be related to my son, Clarissa - he's a dog poo magnet.

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  8. And I thought my mind works in mysterious ways. LOL

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    1. Yup. It does. I've seen that blog of yours....

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  9. Wow, I cant get the image of a bloated chipmunk out my head. good post :)

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  10. ewwwww, my 'pooch' likes to give lickie-lickey's on the ear! Isn't that fun at 5:00am :)

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  11. I have a neurotic miniature schnauzer who is supposed to be hypo-allergenic to people, and ironically is allergic to most of the world himself. He licks his paws all the time. It's worst at 3am, when he wakes me up with the sound of his tongue lapping at his paw pads...

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    1. OMG, my CAT used to do that. Drove me NUTS.

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  12. Now you just made dog licks really disgusting.

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  13. oh poor chip n dale ! My friend had a dog that licked everyones legs all day long ,I think some dogs are maybe attracted to the salt on our skin, at least that's my theory.

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    1. Or they're tasting us now to see if we're worth eating when we croak. Oh wait. That's the cats...

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  14. POOCH LICKING?
    every day william will lick my forehead when we sit in the armchair in the early evening....
    wonderful physiotherapy

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    1. Hey, it starts with P, doesn't it?

      William licks your FOREHEAD? *shudders*

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  15. HA HA HA!!! Only you could make disemboweled squirrels funny! What a cute pooch you have. I have a toe licker, too...and then there's the dogs... *ba-ching* :-)

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    1. "Come back again, folks, she's here every night!"
      :)

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  16. God, this is too funny! Seriously. I seldom laugh out loud because my humor marches to a different drummer, but here, you make me laugh out loud as they say. Lickemus Anythingus - this is good!

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  17. Great post, Cathy. Love the "likemus anthingus" species. We had a dog.. actually two golden retrievers for a total of 18 years, so I know exactly where you are coming from. You have a gift for humor, think I'll be a follower. Licking foreheads..... really??!!
    Patricia, Sugar & Spice & All Things ? Nice

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  18. Drive by licking from the dog . . . very funny. My cat brings in some unfortunate finds as well . . .she keeps trying to pile up food for us, and she just doesn't get that I'm not going to prepare if for dinner.

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  19. I am way to familiar with cat barf *sigh*
    That pooch of yours is too cute! :)
    We get tons of squirrels in our backyard in the summer AND we have a rain barrel (well, actually, it's a wheelbarrow we use to collect rain for the garden.) And now I'm scared of accidental squirrel drownings! ;)

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  20. I like bar chairs too but it looks like you really do need them because they can come in handy where you are. I'd be freaking out big time if I had to deal with the kind of findings that you come across in and around your property, lol. Cheers to you for handling all of that stuff. Ahh...good thing there's the sight of that cute little pooch to make it all better :)

    ~Nicole
    Blog: The Madlab Post
    *Rockin' the A to Z Challenge!*
    @MadlabPost on Twitter

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  21. Oh Cathy! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I so needed this good belly laugh! (tears streaming down my cheeks) Again, thank you!

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  22. That doggy is so cute, arrrgh!

    and I can very much relate to this, as I have two cats, one of whom recently spewed on my bed, and both of whom frequently bring in rodents, dead or alive, for me to deal with. Sometimes I come home from a hard day t work only to find some guts in my bathroom, ripe for the cleaning. yech

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  23. Just as I was reading this post, my Demon Chihuahua was lying next to me and sticking the tip of her tongue out at me. *In a scared, half-whispered voice: It's like she knows.*

    -Barb the French Bean

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  24. I cannot get the image of the soggy, football-sized swollen-up chipmunk out of my head now!

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  25. Bloated chipmunk, knifed in shower, dog poop, cat barf...

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  26. My dog's specialty is nostril cleaning.

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