Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A to Z Honesty - J is for Jezebel and jam


Yesterday was one of those crazy days, when everyone in the office suddenly turned bi-polar. We were either barking like crabs with PMS, or we were wiping tears away from laughter. What was so funny? Oh who knows. If I say "belly button" to you, will you laugh hysterically, like can't-breathe-snorting-red-faced-ugly laughter? No? See, I knew there was a bi-polar bug floating around. We were just stinking weird yesterday.

It started when one of my colleagues, let's call her Jezebel because she threatened to kill me dead if I used her real name, didn't get enough sleep the night before and thus was prone to catching the crazy bug that was obviously in the air. She was so funny that my boss chatted me this gem: "Say belly button to her," he wrote.

"Hey Jezebel," sez I, the Queen of Shit Disturbing. "Belly button."

Jez looked at me blankly. (Blank is not an attractive look, jest saying. It's that slack mouth and empty eye thing that's a little disconcerting.)

"Huh?" she said. "What are you TALKING about?"

"Boss said to say 'belly button' to you."

More blank look. Then it dawned on her – I can totally see where the expression 'dawned on someone' comes from. Recognition spread across Jez's face like a Dominican rum-splashed sunrise. Then she started laughing.

"Oh god," she said, chortling.

"What?"

"Nothing," she said. Snorting.

"WHAT? It must be SOMETHING."

So she caves because I have mad interrogation skillz, and starts telling me about this one day at work when crazy was in the air and they were having one of those meaning-of-life conversations and Jez asked Boss, who wasn't such a big boss back then, if he'd ever smelled his belly button.

I let that sentence sink in for about 10 WTF seconds, then bent my neck to see if I get my nose within sniffing distance.

This is not easy to do. Go ahead. Try it. Right now... no, I don't care who's looking. Just try!

SEE? Impossible.

"How in the HELL did you smell your own belly button?" But she's laughing too hard to answer because everyone in the office is now crooking their necks at unnatural angles trying to get a whiff of their belly buttons.

"And what the HELL do belly buttons smell like?"

Jez is peeing herself over there. (Cleaner is going to have a FIT.) "It smells," she said, through wheezes, "like JAM."

Jam? Like, raspberry jam? Grape jelly? Marmalade?

"No." Wheezing. Snorting. Tears running down face. "Like TOE jam."

I don't mean to keep writing about gross things. I don't. This morning I thought desperately for something to write about besides Belly Button Jam but honestly? Nothing else seemed as appropriate. Or inappropriate. Or something.

And in case you're wondering, it's practically impossible to smell your own belly button without using a Q-tip. That's Jez's advice, not mine.

Now don't be telling me this whole A to Z thing hasn't been an education...

66 comments:

  1. I think there must be something good in the air at your office. :)

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  2. I have no words...other than to say I won't be having peanut butter and jelly for lunch today. :)

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  3. Well thanks for the information. Funny post!

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  4. Well, this is, um . . . interesting. Totally off the wall, but I think probably instructive. For someone.

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  5. Yesterday, it was clogged toilets. Today, it's belly jam. I can't wait to read about what gross thing you have in store for us tomorrow!:D

    And I remember the "afternoon crazies" that would occur in the law office in which I worked. It happened nearly every afternoon around 4 when we were so fatigued that we began to laugh for no reason whatsoever.

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. See? Four o'clock! The crazy hour! And as for tomorrow, geez, I dunno.. it's K... what's gross that starts with K??????
      Barb, the crazy thing is I didn't start out wanting to do a gross thing every day... shit happens, I guess... OH WAIT - shit - ka-ka - K!!!!!!

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  6. Replies
    1. Delores, so help me gawd, I have no idea. I feel like Regis Philbin -I'M OUTTA CONTROL!

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  7. Jam is off my list of ingredients for a while after reading that. LOL

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    1. If you're not using it, Sherri, pass it to me, ok?

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  8. Hmmm, belly button. Interesting.

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    1. Laughing here... I sense sarcasm Rubye!!!!!!!

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  9. That's like trying to lick your own elbow...
    Jezebel wants to know why you used HER name as an alias?

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    1. I dunno, Laura - wait, I do know. Because I haven't yanked her chain since one of your book parties and that was WAY too long ago for both our good!
      Hey JEZ! How do you like me NOW?
      *running for cover*

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  10. Oh man! That's about all I can say! Oh man!!!

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    1. LOL!!!!! You could say Oh woman! but people will just think you're weird....

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  11. This is my kind of humor. My mother says if someone is going to bring up something gross during dinner, it will be me. I can't wait to talk about belly-button sniffing!

    Lucy

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    1. LUCY! We must have you over for dinner sometime! At our house a meal simply can NOT go by without somebody talking about shite. Any kind of shite, as long as it's shite. A dinner without shite is like a day without sunshine!

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  12. Hmm..don't think I've ever been THAT flexible.

    I work alone in my home office...kinda makes me wish that I had others around to play the "belly button" card to.

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    1. Wait till V gets home tonight and spring it on her. Or, hey, tell The Boy - I'm sure he'll find it fascinating!

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  13. Wow, I think they're pumping something through the ventilation system in your office. Either that or you guys need more work. However, I'm enjoying your work posts immensely. Toe jam! *snort*

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    1. My work is, um, kinda crazy sometimes and I SWEAR I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!

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  14. Stick your finger in there, then smell your finger. Eeeeeeewwwwwwww.

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    1. Um, Jaye?
      Where exactly are you sticking your finger????????????????

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  15. Haha :) You are freaking hilarious! I can understand how office days get kinda...weird :) My old boss and I once devoured an entire box of chocolate covered macademia nuts just by ourselves in a matter of minutes. It was awesome!

    Sarah Allen
    (my creative writing blog)

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    1. Thanks Sarah!
      You know what? If work can't be fun, there's no point working there. We spent a huge amount of our lives at the workplace and life is short - I want to laugh every single day, every chance I get. Yes, I do my work, but if there's chocolate covered macadamia nuts and laughter to be had? I say EAT AND CHORTLE!

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  16. On to the Q-tips! Great post--wish I worked there!

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    1. You should apply, M! You've obviously got a typewriter - you are ready to roll! Oh, but there's a rule: New person always brings doughnuts the first day. And we like EXPENSIVE doughnuts.

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    2. LOTS of expensive doughnuts - in particular the doughnuts from the Gravenhurst Bakery. Yummm....

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  17. There are some things we're not meant to be able to do, I think. Those of us who like a challenge will not let our Creator's intentions stop us! Love this post...I'm still smiling.

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    1. Awwwww, thanks Steph! So, did you try? You did, didn't you... hahahaha

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  18. LOL,I miss all the spontaneous chit chat at an office. And you're right. It's hard to smell your own belly button.

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  19. You'd have to have your ribs removed to smell your belly button. Most of them, anyway.

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    1. Isn't that what Dolly Parton did?
      I bet she can smell her own belly button... oh, never mind... I just remembered her boobs. She would NEVER get past those boobs.

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    1. Try to comment or try to sniff your belly button? Go on, Alex... you know you wannnnnnnnnt to...

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  21. Whatever is in the water cooler . . . I WANT some!

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    1. I think it's a combination of lint and BB Jam, Texas!

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  22. It's MOST funny that Jez came up with a technique in order to smell one's belly button.

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  23. this sounds like a modern day sit com
    who would play you????
    let me see?
    sandra bullock!

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    1. That's what I was thinking-sounds like a sitcom in that office.

      Who knows Cathy, maybe The Office needs a new writer?

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    2. SANDRA BULLOCK????? JOHN GRAY I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

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    3. Great idea, Tim! Got any connections????

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  24. Thanks for the tip. I imagine it will become useful at some point in my life. :)

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    1. heheheheheheh ... some day, you'll be in some office and the clock will chime four o'clock and suddenly you will say "belly button" and your life will never be the same!

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  25. Oh wow. I can't get my head around that conversation. But the picture of someone bending over trying to...priceless.

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  26. Ha! Awesome. At the point where you're discussing using a Q-tip to smell otherwise unreachable parts of yourself, I'd say you're done. As in, stick a fork in it, you're done.

    Yeah, Magnetawan! It's close by to our northerly abode. My family and I are seriously mourning the loss of the Inn and General Store. My cousin tells me that apparently any plans to rebuild them are not happening now. Initially they were talking about getting a planner in and making it really nice, but not any more. The Bait & Tackle is going to be the only place that will sell groceries. People are saying it might kill the town. Sadness. Makes me want to start a petition or a Kickstarter fund or something.

    A-Z @ Elizabeth Twist

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    1. It IS sad. Magnetawan is a great little town and I think it's a tragedy what has happened. (For those who don't know, an ignoramus drunk out of his stupid gourd thought it would be cool to burn the village down. Luckily he didn't burn everything and nobody was killed, but Magnetawan lost an institution when the Mag. Inn was destroyed.)

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  27. That was downright funny. And yes, educational. I'm still laughing.

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    1. And I still love squirrels! They are BIG entertainment around here. Some days me and Dave spend hours sitting on the front porch, watching the red squirrels chasing each around and fornicating and fighting. If that doesn't make me sound like a redneck, I don't know what would...

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  28. I never check those boxes that people have at the end of their blogs, except for today. You're the first, and it was the OMG! That's all I have to say.

    Play off the Page

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  29. Who hasn't smelled their belly button?! It definitely reminds you to wash up in there.

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  30. Wow! I'm speechless. Happy A to Z blogging!

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  31. Man oh Man - or Woman, as the case may be.

    Never smelled mine...never really felt the urge to...still don't. May have smelled someone else's...and I just stop right there!

    Great post, Cathy, I think. :)

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  32. OMG, I'm giggle-snorting over here. Funniest post I've read in the A to Z challenge so far. I may or may not have smelled my own bellybutton before. It may or may not have smelled like jam. I'll never tell.

    Also, I love your blog banner/header/whatchamacallit - it's so fun!

    Wishing you continued success with the A to Z challenge,
    Jocelyn

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  33. Oh dear. I remember those days full of inappropriate laughter. Except that no laughter is inappropriate. I may associate belly buttons with toe jam to my dying day now though.

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  34. WHatever was in the air there is no here. I just woke up my kids laughing so loud. They are not pleased. Pinkies work as well as q-tips, btw. Peace...

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